#328: My Biggest Secret – I have never told anyone this before

I started this post with a different title and a different purpose, but as I wrote it – I realized there are things keeping me from losing weight that I need to deal with.

Let me start by saying, I’m not into the touchy feely weight loss therapy that you see on TV shows like The Biggest Loser; I don’t blame my gold fish that died when I was 12, giving me a sense of abandonment causing me to force feed my face for the next fifteen years.

I’m not a victim and I don’t blame others for my problems – even if an outside force contributes to my situation, I can only be responsible for my actions, not others.  So spending time thinking about how someone else hurt me or “made me” over eat goes against my grain.  I can imagine my weight loss therapy session now – it would go like the Geico commercial with former drill instructor R. Lee Ermey as a therapist:

Me: “And that’s why my gold fish made me fat, I think”

R. Lee Ermey: “That’s interesting; you know what I think makes you fat? – YOU DO, YOU JACK WAGON!  Stop shoveling food into your face and maybe we can find a waist line for you!…     Tissue?”

…Pausing this post to enjoy the visual I just created above… I’m told its bad to laugh at your own jokes, but I can’t help it – that would be a funny commercial – not sure what we would be selling, but I’m still laughing…

Ok – back to my post – What’s my big secret that I’ve never told anyone?  Its not as juicy as a political scandal or an affair, but here it is – I don’t believe I can lose weight, so I’m not actually trying all that hard.

I spent so many years trying to lose weight without any success that I eventually just gave up.  I still went through the motions of trying to lose weight but deep in my head and heart, I had lost hope that I even could.  I never admit that I have given up to anyone, myself included.

Often, I still imagine myself as a thin person but in the same way I think of winning the lottery – it would be great, think of all the things you could do – but its just a fantasy and will never happen.  I used to think I wanted to lose weight like I wish I could play the piano – I think it would be cool, but not enough to actually do what it takes.  But this isn’t as close to the true way that I feel as the lottery analogy because I do feel like if I actually wanted to play the piano, I could learn.

I don’t believe I can lose weight any more than I can win the lottery.  I don’t buy lottery tickets because I have absolutely no confidence that I can win.  If I thought I could actually win, you couldn’t stop me from buying tickets.  In other words – I don’t commit to losing weight entirely because I don’t believe I can actually lose weight.

How do I change my mind?  I don’t think I’ve gotten religious in this blog often – but my faith dictates that to change your behavior, you must first renew (or change) your mind.  This is where I’m struggling – until this blog post, I don’t think I have ever said out loud that I don’t think its possible.  Until I change my thinking, I will continue to justify breaking my diet or excuse myself from my exercise…

Now I know the problem – and I have no idea how to fix it!

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