I have been shamelessly self promoting my blog since I started it over a month ago using social tools like Digg, Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, and Google, just to name a few.  I always knew that the shotgun approach to get the word out about my blog would bring in the kind of readers that will be able to relate to my plight and enjoy my writing, but eventually the wrong crowd would stop by… and comment.  Last night, Dirk left the following comment on my Biggest Loser post (a post worth reading in my opinion!):

Wow, I’m amazed that you can type whole paragraphs without hitting the wrong keys with your fatty fat fingers! I hope you don’t get short of breath from your bursts of creativity – Dirk

At first, I responded kindly (feel free to go read my response) but I got to thinking about it and the more I did the more it bothered me.  Not that this guy responded with a negative comment – but that he couldn’t come up with anything better than “fatty fat fingers”.  Inspired by the 20 better big nose insults scene in Roxanne (1987 with Steve Martin), I feel obligated to give 20 better insults to fat people than fatty fat fingers, because we deserve at the least some creativity:

  1. Let’s start with obvious: ‘scuse me, is that your belt or a life sized map of the Phoenix 101 outer loop?
  2. Pop Culture Reference:  I heard you were going to the new Britney Spears Concert ‘Circus’, I didn’t realize you were going as the big top.
  3. Sociable: They say you can look smaller if you just get bigger friends, I hear the Phoenix Zoo elephants are lonely.
  4. Sympathetic: Aw, how does it feel to have never been felt? Ok, that one hurt…
  5. Geographic: As a kid you must have had fun playing hopscotch while learning the states; “Texas…Alabama…North Carolina…Pennsylvania…”.
  6. Technological: Can your baby pictures still be seen on Google Earth?
  7. Oceanic: When you jumped in the gulf in Panama City, the tide came in at Myrtle Beach.
  8. Festive: At Halloween, you were heard saying “Trick or Meatloaf”.
  9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you, Fast and Farmers file bankruptcy.
  10. Scientific and Complimentary: Since gravity is based on mass, you are the most attractive person I’ve ever met!
  11. Environmental: When your done with it, mind if we use your shirt to cover the hole in the ozone?
  12. Religious: The Lord Giveth, and you eat-th.
  13. Musical: When you dance at a concert the whole band skips!
  14. Personal: I realize you are actually a skinny guy trapped in a big man’s body but did you know there’s enough room in there to invite 5 or 6 of your friends.
  15. Clever: If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach – you must have a six lane super highway to your heart!
  16. Envious: I wish I were you – it must be nice to have your own zip code.
  17. Appreciative: In a world so focused on personal apperance, I really like how refuse to follow the crowd!
  18. Impressed: And people say the pyramids are big!
  19. Challenged: and here I thought Mt Everest was going to be hard to scale… [pun intended... think about it!]
  20. Geeky: You are so fat, you should start a blog!

Well Dirk – here are at least twenty things you could have said that were more inventive than ‘fatty fat fingers’… but anyway you say it, I think you are a jerky jerk-jerk with no style, imagination, or intelligence.  Com’on my fellow fat friends – let Dirk and others like him hear it – gimme your best insults!  Or just take a second to blast Dirk… Oh and don’t forget to Digg, Reddit, Facebook, yahoo, and tweet this post!  Make me proud!

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