Its been a while since I’ve written anything more than a weekly check in. That’s not new, the blog is called I QUIT Again for a reason – I often quit doing things like blogging regularly.
The odd thing about this break in posts is my success. I’ve successfully lost 35 pounds in the last 3 months! Normally I have a lot to say despite my failures but in light of success I have found myself silent.
I think it could be because I’m afraid. Failure in weight loss is “normal”. I’m used to NOT losing weight. But successfully dropping over 30 lbs is new to me. Its strange and different. I simply haven’t been here before.
When I started this blog, I was 308 lbs. I dropped to 285 in the first year which could seem to many as spectacular as this years success but I know that 308 was “heavy” for me and getting back to 285 where I’ve spent years as an adult was “normal”.
My son Zander is 8 years old. When he was born, I was for the first time in my life, over 300 lbs. I had gained over 40 lbs during Stephanie’s pregnancy and continued to gain weight after until I reached somewhere around 330 lbs (my heaviest). I wasn’t 330 long before Type 2 Diabetes took hold and as many diabetics know, my body dropped weight due to the disease down to just under 300 lbs.
And that is where I have lived for the last 6 or 7 years ~ 285 lbs. Sometimes up to 310 but never long. Once or twice I dropped below 285 but never long. My “set point” was 285. Now I’m 253 lbs. That’s new.
And can I tell you, I’m terrified. Don’t get me wrong – I’m excited about the weight loss. And I’m excited about the prospect of continuing to lose weight into the 240’s, 230’s, and even lower. But I’m terrified of the looming thought that this is a fluke that will “correct” itself soon, like a rubber band that has been stretched until its about to snap, then suddenly and without warning, BANG… back at 285lbs!
When people at work ask what I’m “doing” to lose weight and what’s been working for me, I tell them but in my head there’s a voice screaming at me to shut up because in a few days, weeks, or months I’ll be back to 285 and they won’t be able to look at me without thinking, “man, what happened to that guy”.
Is this feeling of impending doom normal? I don’t know, but its unshakable. Should I seek comfort in my success? Do I look for support from other successful dieters? Do I find peace in my faith?