Sorry I was late, but I’m FAT

We were late to church this morning – so late, we actually just turned around and went home.  I ask myself why we are almost always late going to church and there is always an excuse – the kids, the late night before, losing something like keys or wallet, etc etc.  But I think I know the real reason why – It’s just not something I’ve wanted to talk about or even admit.  I’m fat.  I don’t like the way I look in clothes.  I don’t like getting dressed because of it.  I can’t avoid going to work and I can’t avoid going to the grocery store (I can go at 11pm when there are less people there).  I could avoid going out to eat – but for some reason (my addiction) I don’t have too much of an issue getting there either.  But church…

That’s another story.  I want to go – I know I should go – I want the kids to go.  I enjoy preaching and worship services too.  But trying to get dressed on a Sunday morning seems to be the single most difficult task I have all week.  My clothes are tight, they fit while I’m standing but pull when I sit down – a shirt looks good with my arms down but if I left my hands in worship, my gut either pulls the bottom button of my shirt open or when I go with my shirt untucked, the gut falls out over my belt to show just how big I am.  I heard one lady refer to her gut as her front butt – if you don’t know what that means, you aren’t as big as me!  I laughed out loud – then cried inside [corporate Ah…]

When I’m gaining weight, I just don’t want people to see me, but when I’m losing weight – I don’t want to deal with all the comments like “Are you losing weight?” or “I can tell, you have lost some weight” – I know these comments are meant for encouragement – but to be honest I don’t believe most people when they say them.  I know that sounds harsh but I think people are just trying to be encouraging regardless of whither or not they can actually tell a difference.  I gained 30lbs last year and no one said anything – then I lost 20 of those pounds while riding my bike everyday but I didn’t tell anyone I was trying to lose weight – and guess what? That’s right, no one said anything then either.  It seems to me that people ‘notice’ you are losing weight when they know you are trying.  At 300lbs – losing 20lbs doesn’t really show all that much.

Some people actually do notice but when they say so – it just reminds me how fat I was and still am.  I’m really hoping that once I get down to 275 or 250 lbs I will start to feel like I am losing weight and not just taking off some water that is easily gained back in a matter of days.

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  1. Jason · January 4, 2009

    You definitely begin to feel it as well. I was down 40 lbs (before the holiday, now 30) and even though I couldn’t see it in the mirror, I could feel different. The pant’s start to fit differently, the bottom button doesn’t pucker as much when you sit… there are little things that you do start to notice. And you will start to get unsolicited compliments given time. People who genuinely care about you will see a difference without you telling them, it just takes longer since a lot of the time they see you daily. My wife took almost a year to “feel” like there was a difference in her appearance, now she looks at pictures and can’t believe it. She’s lost 90 lbs.

    • dsackr · January 4, 2009

      Well, my first goal is to break 280 – that will be 28lbs. I can already tell the difference in some of my clothes but at 280lbs, I’m still the biggest boy in the room…

      90lbs! WOW! congrats to her!

  2. Julie · January 4, 2009

    Man, I can so relate to your post :(
    I have gained and lost the same 30 pounds for the past three years.
    Here is hoping this is the year…

    • dsackr · January 4, 2009

      To be honest, this was a difficult post to write – It was a little more personal than I like to be with people I’m close with – much less ‘the world wide web’!

      I see you are in the BLBE challenge with me! Hopefully we can keep each other motivated! I have added your website 1000001timesacharm.blogspot.com to my weight loss blog links!

  3. Angie All The Way · January 4, 2009

    In the beginning I felt that way about people noticing. At first when I got to around the 30 lb mark and I knew that the clothes felt differently, I was beaming inside and while some people did notice (mostly those who didn’t see me on a regular basis), I was wondering why the hell people couldn’t see it? Now that I’m further along in the progress, I realize it is because 30 lbs IS a lot of weight to lose, but it looks different on everyone and is relative. Personally, I am one of those people who doesn’t notice things about people (i.e. haircuts and clothes). Although I do notice changes in people’s general attitude and mood which then leads me to those things.

    I also felt embarrassed when people would compliment me when the weight was coming off. It reminded me that I was in a position to have to lose weight and that was embarrassing to me. Now, I wear it like a badge and I’m proud of it. I feel like this journey is a defining moment in my life and its changed my complete perception of almost everything. It’s like blinders come off little by little when you’re ready for them to. I promse that as the weight comes off more and more, you will “get used to” being complimented and it will represent something different to you. It is not a vanity thing whatsoever. You’ll get it and udnerstand what I’m saying when you get there 😉 Accept them graciously because you deserve them. Not everyone can acheive this feat!

  4. Just_Kelly · January 4, 2009

    I’m late but because I’m lazy and don’t like getting up!

    Remember to reward yourself for what success you have experienced. It’s the accumulation of all those small changes that yield the big ones you are looking for!

    • dsackr · January 4, 2009

      Thanks for the encouragement Kelly! I’m “Choosing Losing” everyday now!

  5. Randy · January 4, 2009

    Thanks for sharing that Dale. I thought for sure when I reached the bottom of your post I would see that it was going to be a quote from someone else. Have you given your weight issue up to Him yet? I went shopping with Sharolyn yesterday and all XL were too big. I bought roughly 20 items and one shirt was a ” S “, it is a little too small, but will work with layering well and a few shirts were ” M “, with 80% being ” L “. I now have a huge pile of XXL and XXXL that I will be kicking to the curb this week.

    Keeping posting and keep moving in the right direction. I’ll support you and hold you accountable if you would like my help.

    Cheers,

    Randy

    • dsackr · January 4, 2009

      Randy – you know I always value your input in person and on the web! Thanks for commenting – congrats on all your weight loss – I’ll be joining you daily…

  6. Weight still a private issue for me · January 4, 2009

    Hey Dale,

    Great post and I relate to the issue, too much. I have been has high as 320 lbs. and as an adult as low as 240lbs. I kept the weight off for about 2 years. There are a couple of things that I now am aware of about me that I was not then.

    1- I felt different at 280lbs and at that time that would have been about a lose of 15lbs.
    2- Even at 240lbs to me I looked the same in the mirror. My pants were a different size and my belt was different. Yet, what I say was the fat kid I always saw.
    3- When gaining back the weight I saw the same thing in the mirror at 280lbs as I did at 240lbs. Also, I wasn’t aware that I felt different until about 290lbs.
    4- I thought once I lost the weight I was “cured” and had beat the problem. I wasn’t aware enough to realize it is a life long battle.

    I’ve learned that I have to weigh myself at least weekly to know where I really am and I can’t have just a little dessert. Now, the difference for me when I was 240lbs was the only sweets food I ate was out of the house, like at restaurants or somebody elses home.

    For me after losing the weight, body image is still an issue.

    Also, Randy– could you explain “Have you given your weight issue to Him yet” comment?

    • dsackr · January 4, 2009

      Thanks for your comments!