We were late to church this morning – so late, we actually just turned around and went home. I ask myself why we are almost always late going to church and there is always an excuse – the kids, the late night before, losing something like keys or wallet, etc etc. But I think I know the real reason why – It’s just not something I’ve wanted to talk about or even admit. I’m fat. I don’t like the way I look in clothes. I don’t like getting dressed because of it. I can’t avoid going to work and I can’t avoid going to the grocery store (I can go at 11pm when there are less people there). I could avoid going out to eat – but for some reason (my addiction) I don’t have too much of an issue getting there either. But church…
That’s another story. I want to go – I know I should go – I want the kids to go. I enjoy preaching and worship services too. But trying to get dressed on a Sunday morning seems to be the single most difficult task I have all week. My clothes are tight, they fit while I’m standing but pull when I sit down – a shirt looks good with my arms down but if I left my hands in worship, my gut either pulls the bottom button of my shirt open or when I go with my shirt untucked, the gut falls out over my belt to show just how big I am. I heard one lady refer to her gut as her front butt – if you don’t know what that means, you aren’t as big as me! I laughed out loud – then cried inside [corporate Ah…]
When I’m gaining weight, I just don’t want people to see me, but when I’m losing weight – I don’t want to deal with all the comments like “Are you losing weight?” or “I can tell, you have lost some weight” – I know these comments are meant for encouragement – but to be honest I don’t believe most people when they say them. I know that sounds harsh but I think people are just trying to be encouraging regardless of whither or not they can actually tell a difference. I gained 30lbs last year and no one said anything – then I lost 20 of those pounds while riding my bike everyday but I didn’t tell anyone I was trying to lose weight – and guess what? That’s right, no one said anything then either. It seems to me that people ‘notice’ you are losing weight when they know you are trying. At 300lbs – losing 20lbs doesn’t really show all that much.
Some people actually do notice but when they say so – it just reminds me how fat I was and still am. I’m really hoping that once I get down to 275 or 250 lbs I will start to feel like I am losing weight and not just taking off some water that is easily gained back in a matter of days.